How To Get Over Limerence

6 min readNov 21, 2023

In the labyrinth of human emotions, few experiences are as intense and consuming as limerence.

Coined in the late 1970s by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, limerence is an involuntary state of deep infatuation and obsessive longing for reciprocal affection from another person.

You want to know how to get over limerence and I can tell you that it will take you or your loved one digging deep within, but I can help you get past it.

Far transcending a simple crush or infatuation, it becomes an intense, often overwhelming preoccupation with someone, accompanied by a potent and addictive mix of emotional highs and lows.

This article will delve deeply into the nature of limerence, exploring its psychological underpinnings, its effects on individuals, and offering comprehensive, practical ways to navigate and ultimately overcome this complex emotional experience.

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Understanding Limerence

Limerence is an intricate emotional state, characterized by a potent mix of emotional dependency, obsessive thoughts, and an idealization of the person of affection, often referred to as the ‘limerent object.’

Unlike love, which typically develops over time, involving a deep understanding and acceptance of another person, limerence is often more rooted in fantasy than reality.

It’s not merely a heightened form of romantic interest but a condition that can have a profound impact on one’s emotional well-being and even daily functioning.

The psychological basis of limerence lies in our innate desire for connection and validation, coupled with a deep-seated fear of rejection.

It often emerges in scenarios where there is uncertainty about the reciprocation of feelings, leading to a cycle of intense emotional highs and lows.

Each small gesture or hint from the limerent object can be magnified and obsessively analyzed for signs of reciprocation.

The Emotional Impact of Limerence

The journey of someone experiencing limerence can be likened to an emotional rollercoaster.

There are intense highs when there is a perception of reciprocation, and profound lows when affection seems unrequited.

This rollercoaster effect can lead to significant mental health impacts, including anxiety, depression, and in extreme cases, even suicidal ideation.

The obsessive nature of limerence can disrupt one’s daily functioning, impacting work, social relationships, and overall well-being.

Individuals caught in the grip of limerence might find themselves neglecting important aspects of their life, as their thoughts become increasingly centered around the limerent object.

The fluctuating hope and despair can be emotionally draining and can even manifest in physical symptoms such as insomnia, loss of appetite, or a constant state of restlessness.

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Recognizing Limerence in Yourself

Recognizing it in oneself is a crucial first step if you want to know how to get over limerence.

Signs of limerence include an obsessive preoccupation with the person, intrusive thoughts about them, extreme shyness (sometimes) or nervousness in their presence, and a deep fear of rejection.

Additionally, there might be a tendency to idealize the limerent object, overlooking their flaws and placing them on a high pedestal.

This recognition is important because it differentiates limerence from healthy forms of romantic interest and lays the groundwork for addressing it.

It helps in understanding that these feelings, though intense, are more about one’s inner desires and fears than about the actual qualities of the person of affection.

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Strategies to Get Over and Overcome Limerence

Cognitive-Behavioral Techniques: Challenge obsessive thoughts by questioning their reality and redirecting focus towards more balanced, reality-based perspectives.

Techniques like journaling can be helpful in identifying and deconstructing obsessive thought patterns.

Self-Care and Personal Growth: Engage in activities that promote self-esteem, personal development, and emotional well-being.

Pursuing hobbies, physical exercise, and social activities can redirect energy and focus away from the limerent object.

Professional Coaching: Seeking professional coaching can be a crucial step in dealing with limerence.

A good coach can offer tools to manage obsessive thoughts, explore underlying emotional issues, and provide strategies for emotional regulation.

Building a Supportive Network: Lean on friends and family for emotional support. Sharing experiences with others who understand and can offer perspective can be incredibly therapeutic.

Support groups, either in person or online, can also be a valuable resource.

To overcome limerence, it’s important to employ specific, tailored strategies that address the unique aspects of this condition. Here are some more focused and strategic ways to help someone move beyond limerence:

Understanding the Root Causes:

Self-Reflection: Engage in deep self-reflection or journaling to understand the underlying needs or voids that limerence is filling. This could involve exploring past relationships, childhood experiences, or unmet emotional needs.
Therapy for Insight: Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or psychodynamic therapy can help uncover deeper psychological reasons for limerence, such as attachment issues or low self-esteem.

2. Reframing Thoughts and Beliefs:

Challenging Idealizations: Actively challenge the idealization of the limerent object. List their flaws and the realistic aspects of their personality to break the illusion of perfection.
Reality Checks: Regularly remind yourself of the reality of the situation versus the fantasy. This can be done through writing down factual aspects of your interactions with the limerent object.

3. Behavioral Changes:

Minimize Contact: If possible, reduce or eliminate interactions with the limerent object. This includes digital contact like checking their social media.
Distraction and Substitution: Engage in activities that are absorbing and fulfilling to distract from obsessive thoughts. This could be a new hobby, exercise, or volunteering.

4. Emotional Regulation:

Mindfulness and Meditation: These practices can help in managing intense emotions and developing a more grounded perspective.
Emotional Expression: Find safe outlets for emotional expression, such as through art, music, or talking with a trusted friend.

5. Building Self-Esteem and Independence:

Self-Improvement Activities: Focus on personal goals and self-improvement. This could be learning a new skill, improving physical health, or advancing in your career.
Affirmations and Positive Self-Talk: Regularly practice affirmations that reinforce your self-worth independent of anyone else’s validation.

6. Social and Supportive Networks:

Lean on Support Networks: Strengthen relationships with friends and family. Social support is crucial in providing a different perspective and emotional comfort.
Support Groups: Consider joining support groups where you can share your experiences and learn from others who are going through similar situations.

7. Lifestyle Adjustments:

Routine and Structure: Establish a daily routine that includes time for self-care, work, and leisure. A structured day can provide a sense of control and normalcy.
Healthy Living: Focus on healthy living, including proper nutrition, exercise, and adequate sleep, which can improve overall mental well-being.

8. Future Relationship Focus:

Healthy Relationship Education: Educate yourself on healthy relationships and emotional boundaries. Understanding what constitutes a healthy relationship can help in distinguishing it from limerence.
Dating with Awareness: If you choose to date, do so with heightened awareness and intentionality, focusing on developing connections based on mutual respect and realistic understanding.

Each of these strategies requires time and effort and may not provide immediate relief.

However, consistently applying them can gradually lessen the intensity of limerence and pave the way for healthier emotional experiences and relationships.

Each of these strategies requires time and effort and may not provide immediate relief.

However, consistently applying them can gradually lessen the intensity of limerence and pave the way for healthier emotional experiences and relationships.

Moving On: Life After Limerence

Recovery from limerence opens the door to a period of emotional growth and the development of healthier relationship dynamics.

It involves learning from the experience, understanding one’s emotional needs, and developing healthier attachment styles.

Success stories of those who have overcome limerence often include narratives of personal enlightenment, improved emotional intelligence, and a renewed sense of self-worth.

Preventing Future Limerence

To prevent future episodes of limerence, it’s important to develop a strong sense of self-awareness and to understand the triggers of past experiences.

Setting healthy emotional boundaries in relationships and developing stronger emotional resilience are key.

Cultivating a sense of self-worth independent of others’ approval or affection is also crucial.

Conclusion

Overcoming limerence is a challenging but profoundly rewarding journey towards emotional maturity and healthier relationships.

It requires introspection, effort, and often professional guidance, but with persistence, it is certainly achievable.

For those struggling with limerence, it’s important to remember that you are not alone in this experience, and with the right support and strategies, you can navigate through this intense emotional state to find a more balanced and fulfilling emotional life.

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Sincerely,

Coach Lee

Also see: 4 Stages of Limerence

Also see: 3 Phases of Limerence

Originally published at https://www.marriageradio.com on November 21, 2023.