In 1979, psychologist Dorothy Tennov first coined the term ‘limerence’ to describe the “madly in love” experience of some new romantic relationships.
Limerence is a form of obsessive love, distinguished by an overwhelming, emotionally intense attraction to another person.
Limerence can be both exhilarating and distressing, often holding the individual in a state of constant emotional flux.
Understanding its 4 stages of limerence offers a lens through which we can examine this compelling emotional experience.
Stage One of Limerence: Infatuation and Idealization
The Spark of Limerence
Limerence begins with a spark, an intense attraction that quickly transforms into deep infatuation.
This stage is characterized by an overwhelming preoccupation with the object of one’s affection, referred to as the ‘limerent object.’
It’s a period filled with excitement, euphoria, and an almost addictive desire for reciprocation.
The Psychology of Idealization
In this initial stage of the 4 stages of limerence, the limerent person tends to idealize the limerent object.
They often attribute extraordinary qualities to them, overlooking flaws and creating a version of the person that aligns with their deepest desires and longings.
This idealization is not merely a romanticized view; it’s a psychological mechanism that elevates the limerent object to a nearly-divine status.
It’s a blend of projection, desire, and a deep yearning for emotional fulfillment.
The Impact of Infatuation
During this phase, individuals often experience significant changes in their mood and behavior.
They may feel elated when things seem positive with the limerent object and fall into deep despair at any sign of rejection or disinterest.
This stage can be both emotionally taxing and euphoric, with the individual often caught in a whirlwind of emotions.
Stage Two of Limerence: Uncertainty and Anxiety
The Rollercoaster of Emotions
As it intensifies, the second stage of limerence brings a heightened sense of uncertainty and anxiety which, oddly enough, can be addictive in itself.
This period is marked by a constant analysis of every interaction with the limerent object.
The limerent individual is hypersensitive to the actions, words, and even non-verbal cues from the object of their affection, interpreting them as signs of possible reciprocation or dreaded rejection.
The Role of Obsessive Thoughts
This stage of limerence is often characterized by obsessive thoughts and an intense longing for emotional reciprocation.
The uncertainty about the limerent object’s feelings can lead to behaviors aimed at seeking any form of validation or reciprocation, often leading to an emotional rollercoaster based on perceived signals from the limerent object.
Emotional Turbulence
The anxiety experienced during this limerence stage stems from the unpredictability of the limerent object’s responses and the intense desire for a positive outcome.
It’s a mix of hope and fear, with the individual often oscillating between moments of perceived connection and periods of deep anxiety about potential rejection.
Stage Three of Limerence: Crystallization
Solidifying Emotions
In the third stage of limerence, the experience crystallizes.
Here, the feelings and thoughts about the limerent object become a constant, often intrusive, presence in the individual’s life.
It’s less about escalating emotions and more about their deep entrenchment in the psyche.
The Shift in Perception
During this phase, the limerent individual often finds their feelings becoming a central part of their identity.
They may reorganize their life, priorities, and decisions around the limerent object.
This stage can lead to significant disruptions in daily life, as the individual’s emotional state becomes heavily tied to their interactions with, or thoughts about, the limerent object.
The Impact on Daily Life
The crystallization stage often leads to challenges in maintaining normalcy in daily activities.
The individual may struggle with concentration, experience changes in appetite and sleep patterns, and find their emotional well-being closely linked to the limerent object.
Stage Four of Limerence: Resolution or Dissolution
The Path to Resolution
The final stage of limerence leads to either resolution or dissolution.
Resolution can occur if the feelings are reciprocated, which may lead to the formation of a relationship that is based on more mature, developed forms of love such as commitment, companionship, and the feeling of family.
However, this outcome is rare, as the intense and idealized nature of limerence often does not align with the reality of mutual love.
The person experiencing this resolution can often describe their feelings as having “faded” or “changed.”
“I fell out of love…” is often a statement associated with this stage of limerence if the other forms of love have not developed yet.
The Process of Dissolution
More commonly, limerence dissolves, either gradually or abruptly.
This can occur as the limerent individual begins to see the limerent object more realistically, or as a result of an event that breaks the idealization.
For some, the end of limerence comes with relief, while for others, it can lead to a period of sadness or grief.
Emotional Aftermath
The resolution or dissolution of limerence can have a profound impact on the individual’s emotional and mental health.
It’s often a period of introspection and reevaluation of one’s feelings and desires.
Whether through the formation of a relationship or the fading of intense emotions, this stage marks a significant shift in the limerent experience and a conclusion to the 4 stages of limerence.
Conclusion
Limerence is a complex and often intense emotional journey that can deeply impact an individual’s emotional well-being and interpersonal relationships.
From the initial idealization to the eventual resolution or dissolution, the 4 stages of limerence represent a spectrum of emotional experiences that highlight the power and vulnerability of human affection and desire.
Recognizing and understanding the 4 stages of limerence can be crucial in managing the profound effects of limerence.
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Sincerely,
Coach Lee
Originally published at https://www.marriageradio.com on November 21, 2023.
