The first likely cause of fading feelings in a relationship is that the attraction has fallen.
This is usually not physical attraction as it was already there when the relationship started. However, if there has been a big physical change, like weight gain, this can sometimes cause the person to lose interest.
It is more often emotional attraction that falls and this is due to many different things.
To address this, it is important to do things that are emotionally attractive.
People often think that this means contacting the ex and expressing their feelings, but this is NOT one of the strongest things that could help and in fact, it will almost certainly push your ex further away.
Rebuilding Emotional Attraction
As far as rebuilding some emotional attraction is concerned, one way to do this is to show that you can stay away and that you could be lost.
This is because we are dealing, in many ways, with a value change in the way that the other person views your attractiveness.
When emotional attraction falls, it affects the way that they look at you, including from a physical standpoint.
Everything goes down when emotional attraction falls. Talk is cheap, especially if they have been in the relationship with you for a while and they’ve been having this ongoing conversation with themselves.
They are aware of what’s going on, they feel it fading, and a lot of times they’ll think, “I need to break up with them.”
Then they’ll think, “I’ll just wait another weekend. I’ll just wait another date. We’ll have another conversation. We’ll go do some things that we used to do and maybe I’ll feel differently.”
So, they go through a lot of these things and then when they get to the point of wanting to break up, they’re really sure that they want to do that.
However, that doesn’t mean they’re sure that they want to break up with you, which can be a little confusing.
They still have doubts, but they are sure enough that they are going to tell you they want to break up, and they’ll tell themselves it’s for the best.
They’ll remind themselves you felt this way you wanted out of this and so you can’t just tell them hey I’ve changed and emotional attraction will instantly come back. And your ex is not going to come back until at least a large portion of that emotional attraction returns for them.
Let’s talk about some things you can do to make that happen. But first, I’m going to mention some other causes and I will mention some things to do along the way.
2. Feelings Can Fade Because of Stagnation
The second thing that can cause your ex’s feelings to fade is that the relationship was stagnant.
They felt like it was going nowhere and a lot of times this can happen in long-distance relationships.
For one, they’ll think to themselves that you two are in separate parts of the state or the country or the world and don’t see each other very often, if at all.
Some people I’ve coached and some people who get coaching calls from the coaches on my staff have actually never met in person.
Those relationships are highly vulnerable to this fading concept.
That’s because they don’t have all three areas of intimacy — mind, body, and spirit.
You can’t have those important areas of intimacy if you are on the other side of the world.
And so if you’re in a long-distance relationship or if you have been broken up with and you were in a long-distance relationship, a lot of times those issues are because you two were so far away.
It can make the relationship feel like it has no future because you aren’t part of their daily life and so they don’t feel that strong intimacy with you that comes with seeing you at the end of the day (or during the day) and telling you about their day.
They may do it on the phone, but over time, it’s usually not enough. It’s not the same as being face-to-face and body to body.
Another thing that can make a relationship go stagnant is if the other person doesn’t feel that you two are headed anywhere. And what I mean by that is that the relationship itself seems to have hit a peak.
For example, if your ex was wanting to get married and it didn’t seem like the relationship was moving toward that.
It just seemed like you two were in this dating relationship and that the relationship was not growing to a place or to a point and it felt like it had reached its peak.
That can make the relationship feel like it’s stagnant because it’s important to have those thoughts about the future and to be able to curiously wonder “What will be better? What will be different in the future for us? Where are we going? What is this relationship going to end up being?”
For a lot of people, they want to get married, to have some sort of stronger commitment, and maybe a family. And if that doesn’t happen after a certain period of time, then they can begin to feel that the relationship is stagnant, it’s doomed, and/or it’s not going anywhere. And so that can be something that causes emotional attraction to fall and their feelings to fade.
Keep in mind, you can’t just call and say, “Hey, you know what, let’s get married, let’s get back together, and let’s get married,” since the damage has been done, it’s unlikely to work.
Emotional attraction has fallen because of the time that has passed with this not happening, other conversations you’ve had, or them thinking it’s not going to happen.
So, you can’t just tell your ex your feelings or some new information and change what they feel in terms of attraction. It really and truly does NOT work like that no matter what Hollywood has told us in movies.
In terms of emotional attraction, it has to be processed by your ex and this could take some time — but there’s honestly no way around it.
They have to experience life with this new idea and have time to think about it. I know that patience is a lost art in our world, but that’s what it will likely take if your ex’s feelings have faded.
Lots of times you’ve already told them about the changes you plan to make during the breakup, but even if you haven’t, I still don’t encourage you to reach out to your ex to tell them!
To rebuild emotional attraction, it’s important to show strength and emotional attractiveness by staying away and letting them feel some loss.
As simple as that sounds, it is of vital importance.
Your ex needs to be back in contact with you and talking to you before the changes you plan to make will matter as much.
It’s not necessarily that they need to hear that there will be a future.
Since emotional attraction has fallen, that has become the problem. The little details won’t quickly change the way that they feel. They just won’t.
Remember, timing is important. You don’t want to reach out and tell your ex that you’ve changed before they are motivated to be back together with you because it won’t matter.
Oftentimes, they will be the one to reach out and start talking to you.
Avoid the temptation of bringing up the changes you plan to make or have made. It will make it look like you are trying to earn them and that your reason for the changes is solely for that. And yes, even if you say that you are doing it for yourself, your ex will assume it’s because you want them back. Remember, they broke up with you and so they see themselves as the prize and you as the persuer (in a great relationship, both consider each other their prize and view themselves as a prize for the other person).
Timing is important. Don’t just reach out and tell them you’ve changed.
They have to actually be motivated to be back together with you before it actually matters to them much at all.
This can be confusing and frustrating, but it’s actually how it works.
Before I get to number three get more information on my Emergency Breakup Kit. It’s my powerful guide to help you get your ex back!
3. What Your Ex Means When They Say That Feelings Have Faded
Often what an ex means when they say their feelings have faded is that the limerence has faded. Limerence is a topic that I have a video about and it can be described as being madly in love, often associated with a new relationship.
Although it’s not always present in every new relationship, it is the most common time when people experience it.
Limerence is a type of love that is borderline obsession, with sky-high emotions and intense passion. When someone is in limerence, just the sight of their loved one can cause changes in brain activity, including increased dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin levels.
However, it’s important to note that limerence always fades and can never be what it was in the beginning. That is because limerence, though a good thing, is an immature form of love.
It is a wonderful experience, but it’s not meant to last forever.
From the ashes of limerence, mature love emerges, which is based on commitment, companionship, and intimacy.
If someone feels that their feelings have faded, it may be because they don’t understand that limerence will change and mature love will emerge.
The best thing to do in this situation is to show your attractiveness by doing things that are attractive, rather than just talking about it.
(Please read that sentence again!)
If someone still feels a lower level of attraction towards you, then nothing you can merely say will change their feelings/attraction.
Feelings take time to change and the best way to influence them is by exhibiting attractive behaviors (another sentence worth reading a second time).
What’s interesting is that when they do start coming towards you a little bit, it’s important for you to be casual and polite, but not just jump back into their arms.
You’re not saying, “Oh, I’ve missed you so much. I’m so glad you called. We’ve going to be together forever this time!” or something like that.
I understand that you feel that way and I want that for you, but you should do your best to be a little bit distant. Be polite and kind of course, but distant and reserved. When they start seeing that, it can actually trigger some of those feelings of limerence.
And when you get the relationship back with that person, that’s when you two need to have a conversation about limerence. You need to tell them what’s going on and the two of you need to communicate on some of these things.
There are things you can do to keep some of those highs of limerence and they can be very valuable.
Having new experiences together, like going on vacation (it doesn’t have to be crazy travel, it can just be local) and doing things that are different together that the two of you have not done before will actually cause an increase in intimacy similar to limerence.
If you need to change physically, if you’ve let yourself go, improvement in that area can boost that as well, but again, it has to be after emotional attraction has had some sort of comeback.
So, keep in mind that it could be limerence falling and that they just don’t know how to handle it and they just assume that the relationship’s over.
It doesn’t have to be, but it is a little bit of a difficult road if they are limerence addicts and they are just bouncing from one person to another until the feelings fade.
It is important to remember that not every relationship is meant to last and sometimes, external pressure from friends or family can play a role in a relationship ending.
However, it is also important to consider that in some cases, this external pressure may not be entirely accurate or fair.
In either case, the best approach is to give your ex space and time to reflect on their feelings and the relationship.
During this time, try to focus on being emotionally attractive and avoid negative behaviors such as begging, pleading, or contacting them.
If your ex begins to show interest in rekindling the relationship, it is important to approach the situation slowly and with reserve.
It is vital that you approach their return as though you are not sure about a future with them.
4. Exterior Pressure and Influence
Exterior pressure can be from friends or family and this happens a lot of times with people who are younger, maybe late teens, early or mid-20s when a parent does not like the other person and they say lots of negatives about them or your friends don’t like the other person and they’ve warned this person about you in some ways.
Maybe they think you are mistreating their friend or mistreating their family member.
And if you are truly abusive, obviously that’s bad and you should probably just leave this website. But if you’re not and they are saying you are, it can still be a problem because your ex probably started to see a future with you that was confusing.
They didn’t know where the two of you were going, what role you played in their life, because they didn’t know if there was a future there simply because they have these people in their life and they can’t handle the constant negatives.
And so they probably felt like eventually their relationship with you would dissolve just because of that negativity and these people can be very influential.
It’s like a drum beat over and over telling this person negatives about you and so that’s a difficult issue to overcome.
And a lot of times it will involve or it will need maturity from your ex.
They will need to be able to see past some of this and again, you being emotionally attractive is the place that you should start.
You stay away, that’s what’s emotionally attractive — not begging and pleading and contacting and asking them if their feelings have changed or acting as though you are basically tone deaf to what they’ve said and that you don’t understand that they do not want to be in a relationship with you right now.
Your best chance is to give them the breakup, back away, let them miss you, let them see that you are gone from their life and see how they respond to it. Because they haven’t experienced that yet, they have to experience the breakup.
And if they start to think that maybe they made a mistake and they start interacting with you and you do as I’ve said earlier, you show that there is some reserve on your side, that you are not sure, then it can cause cause them to move faster and stronger towards you and that’s when you can start to overcome some of those things.
You can’t just go to them and say, “You know, your friends were wrong and your family is wrong” because at that point, since feelings have faded, they actually care more about what their friends and family think than you do and so your words are going to be empty and meaningless or at least have less meaning than their friends and family.
Rebuilding emotional attraction is the first step in making changes in your relationship with your ex.
You can do this by staying away and focusing on improving yourself.
Negative experiences, such as rejection or hurt feelings, can lower emotional attraction.
Selfishness can be a dagger to the heart of emotional attraction and can cause your ex to look at you differently.
If you have apologized for your past mistakes, you can reach out with a clean slate message and ask for forgiveness.
However, keep the message short and to the point, as long apologies that are too long can appear emotionally weak.
After apologizing, give your ex space to process their feelings and see the changes you’ve made in yourself.
All you can do is your best. You can put yourself in the best position to get your ex back and take it one day at a time.
I highly recommend my Emergency Breakup Kit or Emergency Marriage Kit to give you the best chance possible of getting your ex back.
No matter what, I wish you the very best.
Originally published at https://myexbackcoach.com on January 18, 2023.
