If you find yourself in the difficult situation of wanting to get back with an ex who is avoidant, it can be challenging to navigate the complex dynamics.
Just because someone has ended a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean they have an avoidant attachment style, but certain behaviors might suggest it.
If you’ve noticed signs of avoidance, understanding how to approach your ex thoughtfully can increase your chances of rekindling your connection.
Below are key strategies to help you rebuild the relationship without pushing your ex further away.
1. Focus on Shared Experiences, Not Words
One of the most important principles when dealing with an avoidant ex is to focus on shared experiences rather than analyzing the relationship through discussions and questions.
Avoidants often have difficulty with direct conversations about feelings, and pressuring them with questions about commitment or the future can make them pull away even more.
Why Experiences Matter More Than Words
Avoidants typically feel overwhelmed by intense discussions about emotions.
While it’s natural to want clarity on where the relationship is heading, bombarding your ex with questions can create a sense of pressure that triggers their desire to retreat.
This is especially true if they are not ready to have deep discussions about the relationship. In these cases, creating positive experiences together can be far more effective.
For example, instead of asking, “Do you see a future with me?” consider inviting your ex to do something you both enjoy.
A simple walk through a park, attending a concert, or visiting a favorite coffee shop can create a comfortable environment where they can enjoy your company without feeling the need to define everything.
Such shared experiences can help them associate positive feelings with you, which can be crucial in rekindling the bond.
Avoid “Clinicalizing” the Relationship
Clinicalizing means over-analyzing every interaction or moment between you two.
This can include asking for constant verbal confirmations of affection, such as, “Do you miss me?” or “Why did we break up?”
While it’s natural to want reassurance, such direct questions often make an avoidant feel scrutinized and under pressure. Instead, let moments happen organically.
For instance, if the mood feels right to hold hands or lean in for a hug, don’t ask for permission-simply let the moment unfold.
This approach fosters a sense of ease and natural connection.
2. Build a Connection Through Shared Hobbies
Shared hobbies can be incredibly powerful for reconnecting with an avoidant ex.
When you participate in activities together, the focus shifts away from the pressures of the relationship and onto the enjoyment of the hobby.
This creates a “passive presence,” allowing both of you to bond without feeling the weight of expectations.
Choosing the Right Hobby
The key to finding the right hobby is to select something that is engaging yet low-pressure.
Think about activities that allow for both interaction and moments of comfortable silence.
Golf, for example, is a great choice because it allows for moments of conversation during the game, but also provides space for reflection between shots.
Rock climbing or hiking offers the same dynamic, as you both focus on the activity while sharing the experience.
Even more sedentary activities, like gardening or cooking classes, can provide opportunities to bond over shared tasks.
If you’re uncertain where to start, consider compiling a list of hobbies and narrowing it down with your ex.
This process itself can be a fun way to reconnect, as you discuss interests and find common ground.
The Power of Shared Interests in Rebuilding Trust
Shared hobbies are more than just a way to spend time together-they can help rebuild trust.
By engaging in a hobby, your ex may feel more relaxed around you, which can be the first step toward rebuilding emotional closeness.
Unlike direct conversations about the relationship, hobbies focus on the activity, making it easier for an avoidant person to let their guard down and enjoy the moment.
Over time, these experiences can create a foundation for deeper emotional connection.
3. Show Independence and Take Pressure Off
Independence is crucial when trying to reconnect with an avoidant ex.
Being overly available or centering your life around them can make them feel like they are your primary focus, which can lead to them feeling suffocated.
Instead, demonstrate that you have a full, interesting life outside of the relationship.
This helps relieve the pressure they might feel to be constantly present or to fulfill all of your needs.
Balancing Independence and Interest
It’s a delicate balance between showing your ex that you are independent while still expressing that you care.
Independence doesn’t mean pretending you don’t want to see them; it means having other aspects of your life that are fulfilling.
For example, if your ex reaches out to make plans and you already have a commitment with friends, don’t cancel.
Instead, express that you’d love to see them but can’t make it that particular time, and suggest an alternative day.
This approach not only shows that you respect their time, but that you also value your own.
It demonstrates that you are not waiting around for them to make every decision about when you two spend time together.
Avoidants often appreciate a partner who has their own life and interests, as it takes the pressure off of them to be your entire world.
How Independence Reduces Pressure
Most relationships, especially in the beginning stages, involve a lot of time spent together.
But with avoidants, it’s important to maintain a sense of independence throughout.
If you demonstrate that you are capable of living a fulfilling life without needing them constantly by your side, it can reduce the fear they might have of losing their autonomy.
This doesn’t mean playing games, but rather, genuinely engaging with other interests, friendships, and activities that make you happy.
4. Announce Scarcity to Create Desire
In many relationships, especially with an avoidant ex, balance is key.
One way to maintain that balance is to create a sense of scarcity.
Instead of being overly available, share that you have commitments and projects that will keep you busy during the week.
This absence can create a longing or curiosity in your ex, prompting them to appreciate the time they do have with you.
The Psychology Behind Scarcity
Scarcity is a psychological concept often used in marketing, but it applies well to relationships too.
When something feels rare or less accessible, people tend to value it more.
By announcing that you’re busy-whether with work projects, social activities, or personal hobbies-you subtly remind your ex that your time is valuable.
It also gives them space to reflect on what they might be missing in your absence.
For instance, if you tell your ex, “This week is really busy with a new project at work, but I’d love to see you next weekend if you’re free,” you’ve created a scenario where they know you are not always available.
This makes the time you do spend together feel more special and appreciated.
It also gives them the chance to miss you, which can be a powerful motivator for reconnecting.
How to Use Scarcity Without Creating Distance
While creating a sense of scarcity is important, it’s equally crucial not to overdo it.
If you make yourself too unavailable, your ex might feel like you’re pulling away entirely, which can trigger their own feelings of insecurity or rejection.
The key is to balance moments of scarcity with genuine interest.
Let them know you are busy, but also express that you are looking forward to spending time together.
5. Leverage Mystery and Allow Space for Curiosity
When dealing with an avoidant ex, maintaining a bit of mystery can work in your favor.
Avoid the temptation to overshare every detail about your life. Instead, let them ask questions and come to you when they’re curious.
This dynamic allows them to feel in control of the pace of the relationship, reducing the likelihood of feeling overwhelmed.
The Value of Leaving Room for Questions
It’s natural to want to share everything with someone you care about, but with an avoidant ex, less can be more.
When you leave some aspects of your life open for curiosity, it gives your ex the chance to reach out and learn more about you.
This can create a dynamic where they are pursuing you in a small but meaningful way, helping to rebalance the relationship.
For example, if they ask what you’ve been up to, give them a general idea but don’t feel the need to explain every detail.
This not only keeps the conversation flowing naturally but also allows them to follow up with questions if they are interested.
It creates a sense of engagement without overwhelming them with information.
Creating an Air of Mystery in Your Interactions
Mystery doesn’t mean being secretive; it means allowing room for curiosity to grow.
It’s about not always being an open book and letting your ex see different sides of you over time.
For instance, if you’ve taken up a new hobby, you might mention that you’ve been really enjoying it without going into detail.
This leaves space for them to ask more about it if they’re curious, giving them a chance to express interest in your life.
6. Use Positive Reinforcement
When your ex takes steps toward reengaging with you, it’s important to recognize those efforts.
Positive reinforcement can encourage an avoidant to feel more secure in their interactions with you.
However, it’s essential to be subtle-expressing appreciation rather than highlighting their avoidant tendencies.
How to Use Positive Reinforcement Effectively
Positive reinforcement is all about showing appreciation for the efforts your ex makes without drawing attention to their challenges.
For example, if they reach out with a thoughtful text or suggest a meetup, respond with enthusiasm.
Say something like, “It’s always great hearing from you,” or “I had a wonderful time catching up.”
This simple feedback can make them feel appreciated without making them feel like they’re being judged or analyzed.
Over time, it can reinforce the behaviors you want to see more of, such as reaching out more often or being more present in your life.
Why Positive Reinforcement Works with Avoidants
Avoidants often struggle with feeling like they are being monitored or judged in a relationship.
Positive reinforcement allows you to highlight what you appreciate about them without adding pressure.
It helps create an environment where they feel valued for who they are, not just for meeting relationship expectations.
Bonus Tip: Explore My Emergency Breakup Kit for More Guidance
If you’re looking for additional support in handling your situation with an avoidant ex, my Emergency Breakup Kit offers deeper insights into attachment styles and strategies for reconnecting after a breakup. With over 20 years of relationship coaching experience, I’ve designed this kit to help guide you through the complexities of winning back an ex in a way that respects both of your emotional needs.
You can find the Emergency Breakup Kit HERE.
Remember, the key to success when dealing with an avoidant ex is patience, understanding, and maintaining your own sense of self-worth.
By focusing on experiences, offering space, and nurturing positive interactions, you can rebuild a relationship that feels balanced and fulfilling for both of you.
Sincerely,
Coach Lee
Originally published at https://myexbackcoach.com on October 27, 2024.
