In the early stages of a relationship, there’s often a powerful force at play known as limerence -a romantic infatuation that feels all-consuming.
You can’t stop thinking about the other person, everything they say seems fascinating, and even their smallest quirks feel endearing.
Limerence is thrilling, intense, and exhilarating, but it’s also temporary.
And for many people, the idea that this initial spark can fade, especially in a marriage, can be difficult to accept.
But marriage-real, lasting marriage-isn’t founded on those early, heady feelings of infatuation and limerence.
Instead, it’s built on pillars that go much deeper: commitment, companionship, and a true sense of family.
These are the bedrocks that support a relationship through thick and thin, not fleeting emotions.
Trusting only in feelings like limerence is a recipe for disappointment and heartbreak.
Limerence is bound to fade, and that’s natural.
But that fade doesn’t signal the end of a marriage; rather, it marks the beginning of something more substantial.
Understanding the Nature of Limerence
Limerence, by nature, is short-lived.
It’s essentially a state of infatuation where your brain is releasing high levels of dopamine (and other chemicals), giving you a sense of euphoria inspired by your partner.
This isn’t sustainable, and it isn’t designed to be.
Humans wouldn’t get much done if they were constantly lost in these early romantic highs.
Over time, limerence fades as reality sets in, and this is actually a good thing.
When limerence fades, people start to see their partners more clearly.
Flaws become visible, those quirks might start to annoy, and the day-to-day realities of life take precedence.
This is where the deeper aspects of a relationship should come into play.
However, if someone mistakenly believes that fading limerence means love is fading, they risk falling into a trap that can lead to a restless cycle of disappointment and even multiple failed relationships.
Why Marriage Cannot Be Based on Limerence
If a marriage or committed relationship is based on the initial thrill of limerence, it will inevitably face trouble when that thrill wears off.
Relationships that stand the test of time have a strong foundation beyond these initial feelings.
Commitment is the first pillar of that foundation.
Commitment isn’t just a feeling-it’s a decision.
It’s the resolve to stand by your partner even when things aren’t perfect or exciting.
There will be days in any long-term relationship where you might feel frustrated, tired, or even bored.
In those moments, commitment keeps you grounded. It reminds you that the relationship is about more than just personal highs; it’s about the promise you made to share life’s journey together.
Companionship is the second pillar.
This is about enjoying each other’s company in a deeper, quieter way.
Companionship goes beyond attraction; it’s a sense of genuine friendship and partnership.
It’s knowing that, even when you’re not feeling those intense romantic highs, you’re with someone who understands you, supports you, and will stand beside you through all of life’s challenges.
Companionship, unlike limerence, grows stronger over time as two people build a life together.
Finally, a true sense of family is what binds a marriage beyond feelings.
Family is about loyalty, support, and shared goals.
It’s about seeing each other as part of something bigger, a unit where each person is valued and where each partner’s wellbeing matters deeply to the other.
When you view your partner as family, it transcends mere romantic infatuation.
It becomes about building something enduring together, creating memories, and possibly raising children or contributing to each other’s growth in profound ways.
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Why the Fade of Limerence Should Be Expected
When people enter marriage or any serious relationship with the idea that the initial thrill of limerence will last forever, they’re setting themselves up for disappointment.
Feelings are fleeting by nature, and limerence is especially so.
Expecting it to be the core of a lifelong commitment is unrealistic.
The fade is natural, and it’s actually a good thing.
When limerence fades, it creates space for other, deeper aspects of love to develop.
The day-to-day realities, shared responsibilities, and quiet moments together contribute to something much richer.
There’s a maturity that comes with recognizing this-understanding that marriage isn’t about constant euphoria but about a steady, reliable connection.
Some might interpret the fade of limerence as a sign that they’re with the wrong person.
But the truth is, limerence fades in every relationship.
Those who continually chase that “high” will find themselves moving from one relationship to the next, missing out on the stability and deeper love that only comes with time and commitment.
Trusting Feelings Alone Is a Recipe for Disaster
In any relationship, but especially in marriage, trusting feelings alone is dangerous.
Feelings fluctuate-they’re influenced by mood, circumstances, stress, and countless other factors.
If we make decisions based solely on feelings, we risk losing out on the stability that comes from a commitment that’s deeper than emotion.
When you choose to trust your commitment over fleeting feelings, you create a safe space within your marriage.
It means that you’re not swayed by every shift in mood or change in circumstances.
Instead, you have something to anchor you-a promise that you’ve made, a commitment to share life together, no matter how you might feel in a particular moment.
This isn’t a lack of romance; it’s a mature love that can weather the storms.
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Why Viewing the Fade as the End Is Immature
It’s an unfortunate reality that many people today see relationships as disposable, something to discard when the thrill is gone.
This is an immature way to look at relationships and marriage in particular.
Relationships aren’t just about what they give us in terms of excitement.
They’re about growth, about supporting each other, and about building a life together.
The belief that marriage should always feel like the honeymoon phase leads people to a very limited understanding of love.
Real love is more than just passion; it’s compassion, empathy, understanding, and yes, companionship.
By viewing the end of limerence as the end of love, people miss out on the chance to experience the profound connection that grows from shared experiences, challenges, and triumphs.
Realistic Expectations in Marriage
To have a lasting marriage, it’s crucial to set realistic expectations.
No one is immune to the ebb and flow of feelings, but a strong marriage recognizes these natural shifts and doesn’t let them dictate the course of the relationship.
Expecting that limerence will fade and embracing the deeper aspects of love and commitment sets the stage for a healthy, resilient relationship.
Marriage is not a constant series of highs, and it shouldn’t be.
It’s made up of everyday moments, routine tasks, shared responsibilities, and quiet evenings together.
These might seem mundane, but they’re where real love is built.
When you can find contentment in the ordinary, you create a foundation that’s strong enough to withstand the inevitable challenges.
Embracing a Deeper Love
When the initial spark fades, it’s easy to feel uncertain.
But this is the time to nurture the deeper love that only comes through commitment.
In marriage, the real strength lies in staying beside each other during both good times and bad.
It’s about being each other’s comfort, knowing that even on tough days, there’s no one else you’d rather be with.
The beauty of a long-term relationship is that it allows you to grow together.
You become not only partners but also lifelong friends.
There’s a quiet joy in knowing each other so well, in building a life together, and in creating a safe haven where you can both thrive.
When you can embrace this deeper love, you’ll find that the fade of limerence isn’t a loss at all-it’s a transition into something richer.
Building a Future Together
Marriage is about building a future, not just reliving the past.
When you choose a partner, you’re choosing someone to grow with, someone to share the ups and downs of life.
This shared journey is far more rewarding than any temporary thrill, and it brings a fulfillment that fleeting emotions never can.
In the end, marriage is about choosing each other every day, regardless of feelings.
It’s about creating a partnership that’s built to last, a companionship that feels like home, and a commitment that goes beyond emotions.
The fade of limerence isn’t the end; it’s the beginning of a more profound, stable, and meaningful love.
Conclusion
As limerence fades, the real essence of marriage emerges.
Marriage isn’t meant to be fueled by fleeting feelings alone.
It’s a choice, a commitment, and a bond that grows through companionship and a deep sense of family.
When we can let go of the expectation that love should always feel like it did in the beginning, we open ourselves up to a more mature, enduring love.
Embrace the depth of connection that goes beyond the temporary rush of limerence.
In doing so, you’ll find that marriage can be a journey that fulfills you in ways that fleeting emotions never could.
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Sincerely,
Originally published at https://www.marriageradio.com on November 5, 2024.
