I’m going to talk to you about your ex’s thoughts during no contact after they broke up with you.
I’m going to come at this topic from a different angle, but it’s still, by far, the most popular subject people ask me to cover.
So, let’s get started by diving into your ex’s mind and what might be going through their head while you’re in no contact.
1. The Relief Stage: Why Your Ex Thinks You’re Fine
Right after the breakup, your ex is likely in what I call the “ relief stage. “
This is the stage that follows the breakup, and it’s where your ex feels a sense of relief that the breakup has happened.
Now, you might wonder, “How long does this relief stage last?”
Well, there’s no exact answer-it could be anywhere from two weeks to a month and a half.
But that is a generic ballpark figure and isn’t something that can be marked on a calendar.
The key thing to understand is that if you go into no contact, it can actually shorten the time they spend in this stage.
During this relief stage, your ex’s thoughts of you are probably along the lines of, “They’re fine. They’re not hurt. This isn’t a problem for them.”
They might even believe that you’re just going to be A-okay with the breakup.
Why? Because they’ve probably given you some kind of excuse that they think you can’t argue with.
It’s that classic “it’s not you, it’s me” thing.
They don’t want you to feel like you’re not enough, so they give you an excuse that, in their mind, should prevent you from feeling hurt.
Sounds pretty simplistic and even shallow, doesn’t it?
They think if they come up with just the right excuse, you won’t be devastated, and they won’t have to feel guilty.
This is especially true if they’re a decent person who doesn’t want to hurt you.
But here’s the kicker-whatever excuse they’ve given you, it doesn’t really matter in the long run.
Whether they said they needed to “work on” themselves, weren’t ready for a relationship, or were just too busy-none of that holds much weight.
Because, let’s be honest, if you really love someone, none of those reasons would be enough to push them away.
So, while your ex might think they’ve got it all figured out, and that you’ll just move on, that mindset won’t last forever and it will likely impact them significantly different as the days roll on.
And that’s where things start to shift.
2. The Curiosity Stage: Why Your Silence Drives Them Crazy
After the initial relief, your ex will likely enter what I call the “ curiosity stage.”
This is when they start getting curious about your silence.
At first, they might think, “They’re fine; I’m fine. This is all good.”
But as time goes on, they start to wonder, “Wait a minute, why haven’t they reached out?”
In their mind, they’ve already processed the breakup because they’ve probably been thinking about it for weeks, if not months.
They’ve had the internal conversation, and they’re prepared for the breakup.
But what they’re NOT prepared for is your silence.
They expect you to try to win them back, to validate them, to make them feel like they’re still the most attractive person in the room.
But when you don’t do that, it throws them off.
Your silence challenges the dynamic they’re used to.
They broke up with you, so they expect you to chase after them.
But when you don’t, it raises questions.
“Why aren’t they fighting for me? Are they not attracted to me anymore? Did I make them mad when I broke up with them?”
These are the kinds of thoughts that start creeping into their mind.
And that’s why your silence is so powerful.
It’s what gets them to start looking at things differently and to reconsider the breakup of the relationship.
3. The Concerned Stage: When Your Silence Feels Like Rejection
As your ex moves out of the curiosity stage, they enter the “concerned stage.”
This is where your silence starts to feel like rejection to them.
Think about it-if someone isn’t pursuing you, if they’re not trying to keep a relationship going with you, eventually, that starts to feel like abandonment.
And that’s exactly what happens to your ex.
They begin to wonder, “Why aren’t they trying to get me back? Do they not care about me anymore? Are they really over me already?”
And the more they think about it, the more it starts to feel like you’re the one who’s rejected them.
It’s kind of ironic, isn’t it? After all the pain you’ve been through, now they’re the one feeling it.
But this is where no contact is so crucial.
If you GIVE them the breakup they asked for-if you back off and let them have their space-they’re forced to go through these stages an ex goes through during no contact.
They have to confront their own feelings, their own doubts, and their own pain. And that’s when they start to wonder if they made the right decision.
If you keep trying to contact them, if you keep showing up and begging them to come back, they never get the chance to go through this process.
They never get the chance to miss you.
That’s why finding the discipline to stay away, to be silence, and to give your ex the breakup is so vital to giving yourself the best chance possible of runiting with them.
4. The Reaction Stage: How Your Ex Tries to Fill the Void
Once your ex starts to feel the sting of your silence, they’ll likely try to fill the void in their life.
This is where things can get tricky because their reaction might be to start dating someone new.
And I know that can be a tough pill to swallow, but here’s the thing-most rebound relationships don’t last.
They’re often just an attempt to feel better, to distract themselves from the pain of missing you and/or missing a relationship.
When your ex starts dating someone new, it’s usually a superficial attempt to replace the intimacy they had with you.
But intimacy can’t be replaced that easily, especially not with someone they just met.
They might try to convince themselves that this new person is better, but deep down, they know it’s not the same.
What you have to understand is that this is just part of the process.
If your ex starts dating, it doesn’t mean they’re over you.
It’s just their way of trying to cope with the feelings of loss and rejection that are starting to creep in.
And most of the time, these rebound relationships fail within a few months.
So, don’t panic if you see your ex with someone new.
It’s more likely a sign that they’re struggling with the breakup, not that they’ve moved on.
5. The Dilemma Stage: Should They Reach Out?
Eventually, your ex will reach a point where they start to wonder if they should reach out to you.
This is where they’re really grappling with their feelings, and they’re not sure what to do.
They might think, “Should I text them? Should I see how they’re doing? What if they’ve moved on?”
This dilemma is a good thing because it means your ex is seriously reconsidering the breakup.
They’re starting to realize that maybe they made a mistake, that maybe they want you back.
But here’s the thing-if you’ve been in no contact, if you’ve given them the space to miss you, they’re more likely to reach out because they think you can handle it.
They’ve seen that you didn’t fall apart without them, that you’re strong enough to move on if you need to.
But if you’ve been pestering them, if you haven’t respected their request for space, they might hesitate to reach out because they don’t want to lead you on.
They’re afraid that if they text or call you that you’ll latch on too quickly, that you’ll think you two are back together when they’re not sure yet.
So, if you want to give yourself the best chance of getting your ex back, stay in no contact.
Let them come to you when they’re ready.
And when they do, don’t rush things.
Let it be a slow process, where they have to earn their way back into your life.
That’s how you show them that you’re not just waiting around for them, that you’re strong enough to move on if they’re not willing to commit.
Conclusion: The Power of No Contact
No contact isn’t just about giving your ex space.
It’s about giving them the chance to realize what they’ve lost (and feeling the loss).
It’s about letting them go through the stages of relief, curiosity, concern, reaction, and dilemma on their own.
And it’s about showing them that you’re strong enough to stay away, to respect their decision, and to move on if you have to.
So, if you’re in no contact right now, stay strong.
Don’t give in to the temptation to reach out.
Let your ex come to you when they’re ready.
And when they do, approach it with caution and reserve.
Don’t rush back into things.
Let them earn their way back into your life.
If you need more help or guidance, consider getting my Emergency Breakup Kit.
It’s designed to help you navigate the no contact period and give you the best chance of getting your ex back.
And remember, you can always book a coaching session with me if you need personalized advice.
This has been Coach Lee, and as always, thank you for reading.
Sincerely,
Coach Lee
Originally published at https://myexbackcoach.com on August 19, 2024.
